I have come here almost everyday for a week now wanting to write about what is going on. But I type a line or two and then just close the window. I do this in fear of putting out into the world the true fears that I have and then those fears becoming a reality......
Life is really hard right now...really hard. I am on the verge of tears or vomit at all times out of fear of....life....for the best way to describe it.
The only safety I feel is at home with my sweet and loving husband. But then the feeling comes back when it's time for bed and I know I am one short night time away from the fear again....
I hate this life....I hate this feeling of fear all the time....and at the moment there is no end in sight. Because I fear the end. I don't know if the end will come on my time.....or my fear....
Please don't feel sorry for me.....I pray each night that this fear is just something I have made up in my mind....
I am just sad that someone has made me hate my job. That someone has made me question my education. That they have made me question my career choice. That they have made me dread the place where I can go to find at least 20 children who can't make it through the day without me. I have never in my dreams wanted to hate this job. But I do.....
My heart hurts for you. I am so sorry you have been going through all of this. I will pray for you and this situation.
ReplyDeleteI am just now seeing this (apparently my blogger is not updating when people blog like it's suppose to - but I digress) - I am praying for you. Praying that you find the comfort you need outside of your home to know that you are a great teacher and that the kids you see everyday need you in their life. Praying that whatever this fear is and wherever it is coming from is removed so you know you made the right career choice.
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